


Forgive and Forget

by popayamorphaya



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Goodbyes, Happy Ending, Implied Goodbye Sex, M/M, Non-Explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-12-20 23:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21065210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popayamorphaya/pseuds/popayamorphaya
Summary: Buck can’t find forgiveness for himself and so he wordlessly says his goodbyes to Eddie.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 is gonna resolve all of chapter 1 (or most, idk) but you can choose to stop reading at chapter 1 if you like sad/angsty endings or if you’re like me and hate those and only want happy endings then chapter 2 is a more suited ending for you! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Buck was sat in his car with his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were white, he was gently banging his head against the steering wheel as anger and sadness washed over him. Then he sat back with a long sigh and he felt the disappointment in himself stir up to the surface.

He was in the parking lot of the lawyers office, just having announced he was dropping the lawsuit, without Buck their chances of winning had dropped dramatically but it would never be enough for his friends, his family, to see him in the same light as before and forgive him. 

This is why he was in his house all alone with a bottle of whisky sitting on the floor, boxes scattered around the room as he packed his most prized possessions. His life in LA was over for good, his life as a firefighter was dead and he knew it but he realised he would survive as he was reminded of how Maddie made a happy living for herself even after she left her dream job.

So now he stared at a picture of him and his station as he took a long swig of his whisky, he wished he could take it with him but they would never see him as family again and so he took the picture out the frame and ripped it as much as he could. 

He packed the boxes into his car suddenly being reminded of the irony, he’d wallowed for months over the fact Abby did the same thing to him that he’s about to do to everybody he knows in LA, run without any goodbye, any explanation.

But he knew he had one last thing to do, he had to see Eddie, he wished he could leave without saying anything but he just couldn’t do it, he had to say goodbye and so he drove off that night to Eddies house, he was glad to know Christopher often stayed at Eddies abuelas that day, he knew things could get bad and he didn’t want to scare Christopher.

* * *

Eddie was suddenly woken up by the sound of a car pulling into his driveway and the lights shining directly into his bedroom, he stood up and rubbed his eyes groggily before quickly recognising the figure lingering in his car.

By the time he made it to his front door Buck was already there, hand mid air as he prepared to knock. Eddie didn’t know whether he was angry to see Buck or relieved, it was the second time he’d seen the other man since he announced the lawsuit and while he was disappointed in Buck, he was also worried.

Eddie stepped aside to let Buck in and watched as the man hesitated before walking in, he felt sad and slightly guilty that the man who used to feel so welcome in his house felt like he was no longer wanted there when it was the complete opposite.

As Buck entered his house he grabbed his wrist and Buck flinched before Eddie quickly dropped his hands back to his side. Buck was scared. Eddie could see he’d beaten himself up so much about this he thought he deserved to be everybody’s punching bag and it broke Eddies heart.

”I just came here to let you know that—” Buck choked up before he could finish his sentence and right then and there he knew he wasn’t going to tell Eddie about his departure from LA. “...I dropped the lawsuit.” Eddie wasn’t surprised in all honesty, he knew Buck had a moment of anger, of weakness and a feeling of betrayal and he wanted to take it out on Bobby but Eddie knew that it would hit him that he didn’t want this and he knew Buck would drop it eventually, there wasn’t even a doubt on his mind that it would happen. 

“I’m glad. Maybe this means you’ll stop ignoring me all the time?” Eddie said as he took a step towards Buck and gently caressed his cheek with one hand before the other hand came up to cup his face as Eddie gave Buck a quick peck on the lips with a tiny smile pulling at his mouth. 

Instead of replying though, Buck deepened the kiss and his hands began to explore Eddies body and it wasn’t long before there was a trail of clothes leading to Eddies bedroom. There was something different about this time though, Eddie didn’t want to think about it too much but deep down he felt this was a goodbye, that it would be their last time together. 

That night Eddie fell asleep in Bucks arms as Buck stared adoringly at his sleeping face, wanting to remember every last feature of Eddie before he left for good. 

Eddie never did see Buck gently place his arms around a pillow as a substitute for Bucks body, he never did see Buck pick up the scattered clothing and dress himself and he never did see Buck place the apology letter under Christopher’s pillow for him to find when he came home.


	2. Chapter 2

When Eddie woke up the next morning to find he was hugging a pillow and not Buck he felt a sense of dread wash over him but he quickly pushed it away, he was happy, after months he and Buck had finally admitted their feelings and he wasn’t gonna let anything bring that rush of adrenaline down.

He showered, dressed and made breakfast for himself before making his way to Christopher’s room to change the bedsheets and vacuum, the only time he’d managed to do so was when Christopher was having a sleepover. Eddie hadn’t even gotten a pillowcase off when he saw the letter and that same sense of dread as before came rushing back.

He unfolded and read the letter that explained to his son why Buck was no longer going to be around and that dread quickly turned to sadness and anger, the situation was all too familiar, a year ago he was reading the letter his wife had left for their son, explaining why she was leaving.

His first instinct was to phone Buck and ask what the hell was going on but he knew Christopher was due home soon and he knew it’d be a lengthy and heated conversation so he decided to continue his housework and hide the letter, knowing damn well this was not over.

* * *

Buck was driving down the highway playing a depressing playlist as he continued to wallow around in self pity when suddenly the music stopped to the loud ringtone of his phone and he saw Maddies contact show, he tried to ignore it but Maddie was relentless and called until she wore Buck down.

”Buck, where are you? Eddie said that you left Christopher a goodbye letter, is that true?” Buck was immediately hit with guilt and his sisters concerned tone didn’t help knowing he didn’t deserve her sympathy.

”I- I’m sorry. I messed up wiring the lawsuit and- and I lost everything and everyone, they all hate me and I couldn’t be there anymore knowing what I did.” 

“Buck, I’m not justifying what you did, it was unfair on Bobby, and your team, but it doesn’t mean they hate you, you just- you have to ea-” before Maddie could finish her sentence she heard a crash and her heart dropped as she called Bucks name and heard no reply in return.

She kept trying and only two minutes later she heard Buck shouting at her to shut up as her voice ringed through his head hurting the headache he had just received from hitting his head on the steering wheel. The crash had been nothing too serious, some idiot driver losing control and crashing into him from behind causing his body to jerk forward a little.

Even with the crash being minor she still drove all the way over there, he suffered a minor concussion and a bruise from the seatbelt but Maddie has seen him go through two life threatening accidents this year and she wasn’t about to risk it, and a plus, he wouldn’t be making his destination and she’d be dragging his dumbass home.

On the drive home Maddie insisted on calling Eddie and Buck considered opening the car door and just jumping out but he knew Maddie would kill him before the impact could even scratch him and defying her would only end in more pain, or so he thought until he felt the fear in Eddies voice as he answered Maddie on the first ring.

”Hey Eddie, I got Buck. Some idiot driver hit him from behind and he got a concussion and even though I wanna scream, and know you wanna, let’s hold it off for when he’s feeling less- concussed...” 

“Yeah, okay, is it okay if I still talk to him though, calmly?” He heard Buck quietly trying to say no and realised he was on speaker so decided just to ignore Bucks protests. “Buck, I know you feel lost right now and I know that’s why you did what you did, it doesn’t justify it but I get it. When Shannon died I used work as a crutch and it helped, but you know what the other crutch was? You. You were there for me in all the right ways, you were patient and you listened even when I was being a bit of a dick to you, you took it and you continued to support me and I owe you that too, so please, _please _don’t leave us- don’t leave me.” 

Buck sniffled a little as tears spilled over and he took in a shaky breath before addressing Eddie. “You really still want me- after everything I did to you?” 

“Buck, for the love of god we confessed our feelings to eachother last night and then we had mind-blowing sex, if that wasn’t any indication that I forgive and want you then I don’t know what is.” Bucks cheeks went bright red as Eddie revealed to Maddie they had sex, a fact which almost caused Bucks second accident of the day. 

“I guess I just thought you were, I don’t know, telling me how you felt before everything? I didn’t realise you still felt that way or that you wanted me. I thought that last night was a goodbye... but, are you sure? Are you sure you really love me, are you sure you want to be with me?” Buck just heard Eddie sigh annoyedly at Bucks dumb question and his cheeks burned, knowing he was an idiot for asking that question. 

“I love you, Buck. I’m in love with you and nothing will change that, although you’re gonna be doing a lot of grovelling, and you owe me a LOT for ditching me this morning.”

”I- I love you too... and I’m sorry, for it all. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” 

When Buck made it to Maddies house that day he saw Eddie waiting outside and Maddie gave them a moment, the first thing Eddie did was check Buck for injuries, he ran his finger over Bucks cheek and wiped away a tear before he kissed Buck. It was sweet and short but sentiment behind it was far from that. It was a promise, a promise that Eddie did in fact love Buck and that even through it all, he’d still be there for him, love him no matter what happened. 

Buck worked his ass off to gain back the trust of his team and he accepted whatever consequences came his way and eventually they found it in them to forgive him. Buck took Bobbys advice into consideration and he waited until he was properly cleared for work without cheating.

He attended therapy every week when Eddie made him realise he had depression. Bucks therapist made him realise he used sex as a temporary pain relief, to hide from it all. That Buck should feel purpose in life outside of work, that he shouldn’t feel like he was only useful when he was saving lives. 

And Buck finally felt a glimmer of hope, he felt like everything was finally fitting together, he no longer depended on work for purpose, he especially felt that every time he looked down and smiled at the ring that proudly made its home on his ring finger. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all have a good week and remember to always be kind to people, a little kindness can make a persons day ❤️❤️


End file.
